Thursday, August 30, 2007

I Really Don't Care

They are building a Starbucks on campus. I was getting coffee at the little convenience store that has starting carrying coffee to take up the slack while Starbucks is being built and I happened to be next to this chick who had a weird haircut, and tights and all that indie nonsense and I said to myself, "I bet this chick is pissed about the Starbucks." So I said something snarky and lo and behold, she was mad pissed and then we fake comiserated and I mentioned that the truly awesome thing will be when they have a starbucks furniture store so that you can buy all the accoutrements and just stay at home and feel awesome. She was all, Totally. I pointed out that they already sell CDs, so we are halfway there. She was like, Yeah but they totally suck. And I said, Well hold on there, and I was thinking in particular of this one CD I have where BB king picked the tracklist and it really isn't that bad. Before I could explain this, the chick had rolled her eyes in disgust and gone off to buy a vintage fanny pack. Why do I tell this story? To point out that in this day and age, you basically ascribe to not liking Starbucks just like you ascribe to wearing weird granny clothes and listening to the Shins. On the grand scale of things, who really gives a fuck if the yokels have a Starbucks? This has been going on for some time and there will always be a market for people to go to small coffeehouses and get condescended to by kids with dirty-looking hair that read the Stranger and now feel all righteous. For the rest of the tards, there is Starbucks, and good for them. I don't go in there that often, but it looks like they are trying not to blow. They always have flyers with happy bolivian kids picking coffee beans and shit. I heard they are over that BGH, which is cool. HOller at me.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Thought You Guys Should Know

I think that I have a responsibility to share this with you. There aren't really any words that I can add.

What are those hairy things on the fallopian (sp?) tubes? Cilia? Sorry.

In other news, Gonzo has retired. Or resigned. Or faded into the mist to work at some pseudo-governmental think tank. Unlike a lot of the world, I have not been that stoked about the resignation of Rove or Gonzo. At least when they were shitting all over us before, we knew where they they could be in some evil command center deep beneath Dubai sacrificing kittens. Or something.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

To My Homies on the Eastside

Welcome! I uploaded this song for you. Tell me how those late-night beardo hackysack jam outs go! I will, however, come over to your side of the freeway to eat your ribs, tacos and to ogle your tattoo-having, sidemullet-rocking women. Be warned. I love you.

P to the S...Are the guy from Matisyahu and the guy from Iron and Wine the same dude?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Im In Austin, Son!!!! (The Mixtape)

As a way to welcome myself back to Austin I have decided to post a mixtape that I put together a couple of weeks ago. At first I was concerned that it didn't "rock" hard enough. You will see that it really doesn't rock at all. There are absolutely no gnarly guitar solos or mind blowing, self-loathing lyrics. There is, however, an aaliyah remix. Enjoy.

EDIT: Tracklist;

I'm in Miami Bitch-LMFAO
Tears on Their Own (Al Usher RMX)-Amy Winehouse
It's Natural-Wayne Marshall
Ganja Farmer-George Dekker (?)
Swerve On-Battlecat
After Party-Koffee Brown
Rap-o Clap-o-Joe Bataan
Chocolate, Rasberry, Lemon and Lime-Muscles
Maraca-Marisa Monte
Nu Tones-Nomo
Wear 'em Out-Mohawk Lodge
B Without You (DJ Illo's Summer Bounce RMX)-Aaliyah
Breathe and Stop vs. Don't Stop till You Get Enough-???
Rock Steady (Danny Krivits Edit)-Aretha, MOTHERFUCKKAA!
I Choose You-Willie Hutch
Don't Go Lose It Baby-Hugh Masakella
Mit Dir-Jurgen Paape
Its True-Axwell ft. Salem Al-Fakir

Monday, August 20, 2007


Flight attendant butt is not what it used to be. Anyone who has flown southwest knows what I am talking about. Holler at me, pleated khaki shorts! I have to wonder though, what came first the mom-butt, or the mom jeans? Maybe flight attendant butts are like goldfish, if you give them enough tank, they will swell to monstrous size and kill us all. Just sayin.
P.S. Seana paul would definitely not tolerate mom butt.


I was waiting for my flight today and lo and behold I see this Brazilian girl I used to hang with when I worked at the gym at UCLA. I should mention that this chick is one of the most gorgeous women I have ever talked to and a proud addition to the list of girls that I have completely blown it with. As far as I can tell every single piece of clothing that this girl owns has some percentage of spandex in it and she rocks it to the fullest. She was stunning, 6am ponytail and all. Let me explain what I looked like; my flight left at 6 in the morning, meaning that I had to be there at 430, meaning that I had to get up at three something meaning that I didn't really sleep or shower. The last thing I was doing before I passed out was taking my bike apart to ship it, so I passed out literally covered in bike grease and sweat. While I was asleep I touch my face a lot so I arrived at the airport with straight up dirt on my face. So here I am looking at this chick thinking, "I am sure that my natural charm will shine through this dirt on my face." I go up to talk to her and right as I roll up and look at the horrified look on her face I remember that this chick had kicked me to the curb after I bailed on a date to play Halo with my cousin. Needless to say, she was not stoked to see me. HOLLLERRR!

Saturday, August 18, 2007


I miss you too, but I am really busy trying to pack my life up again and move back to texas. Check out this awesome picture of me in the interim. I have a mix ready for you. be still

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Proof That There is a God

People have tried a lot of shit to prove that there is a God. I am sure that I could wikipedia link some of said shit here, but I am way too excited about this new news that I gots for yall, that proves, once and for all that God exists and he is awesome. That's right, episodes 13-22 of trapped in the motherfucking closet!!! The question is "How much doper could this be?" And the answer is, "None more dope." Its like God is just sitting there, wondering how to blow our minds. This kind of awesomeness has to be a result of either devine intervention or straight up madness...or both.

I Am a Plagiarizing Bastard

So, some of you may remember my hilarious, yet informative, post about Jordy? Of course you do. Well, I have to admit that that song was given to me by my good friend and colleague, Lauren "Die Hammer" Hamer. I owe all of your praise and love to her. She eschews internet contact, but if you feel the need to stalk her, contact me and I will hook it up. Thank you for understanding.

Only On the Blue Line

Of all of the gifts that the LA Metro Blue Line has given me, I have to say, the steady supply of zany t-shirts on people who may or may not totally grasp the meaning of said t-shirt, still is the best. Today I saw a tiny mexican lady wearing this doozy in a XXL.

Shit was priceless. I will miss you LA.

Attention Austin peeps...Sexface will touch down in 4 days! Gird your loins!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Did You Know That Cheney Is An Effing Genius?

How much you want to bet Hannity and Colmes don't say jack shit about this?

God Bless America (and C-Span)

So the yacht thing didn't really work out.

But I did eat a shitload of crab. Those Marylandonians (?) stick the stuff literally everywhere, you can't escape it. I will tell you all about it, but I thought that first I would break you off with some Sexface photo action. Here goes...

Friday, August 10, 2007

I Am in Maryland Writing a Post About 50 Cent

This is the new art–done by Takashi Murakami–for Kanye's album which is slated to drop (that means be released) Sep. 11. Apparently, what our nation most desperately needs to heal our collective wounds over the terrorist attacks is over-produced, under-conceived nursery rhyme raps. Oh, and a continuingly lame college theme.

Thats how much I care that yall stay informed.
50 (cent) has come out in the press saying that if Kanye West sells more records than him in their respective upcoming releases, 50 Cent will stop releasing records. This puts in me in an awkward position, because I would really prefer that they would both stop releasing records and just pose constantly.

Oh and the baller status-ness of my boating shoes is unparalleled.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Not That Jordy

I sincerely wish that this post was about StarTrek barrier-breaker Jordy LaForge. But its not, it is in fact about something far more amazing than a guy from the future who is blind but can see when wearing a headband.

I speak, of course, of French child popstars. At first, I thought his song "Dur Dur D'Etre Bebe" was just a harmless, frogspeak chanson about the hardships of being a child in a country where they hate our freedom. It turns out that the truth is far more sordid. Jordy, who had a monstrous hit with this ditty, was only 4 and a half when he sang this. Now, while this was enough to win the squirt a spot in the Guinness book of world record for youngest dude ever to win a pop hit (or something), he was subsequently banned from French TV when people started to get the idea that good old Jordy was in fact being exploited by his baguette-grubbing, beret-wielding parents. Way to go, France. They are like, well, dude is being exploited, which is cool, we just don't want to see it. Anyways, here's the song.
What's that? What is Jord-O up to now? Oh, glad you asked, turns out that Jordy has decided to take out his angst against the world in a decidedly Anglo-Americain way, by becoming a Pop Punk Rocker. God help us.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

The Salmon Dance

Last night I had a long, protracted dream about jellyfish. How fitting that I found this on my computer this morning. Oh yeah!

And check out this mix from a while ago from the girl DJ Gina Turner
Apparently, she is a burner and she will cut you.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Swing It Over Here, Shorty

The other day I was at one of those bars where they play a whole bunch of oldies and hipster chicks dress like sexy grammies. I kept on turning to people and asking them, "Wouldn't it be rad if the DJ dropped 'Shorty Swing My Way' right now?" No one thought so, but guess what, ninja, I just dropped it! Hollaa!

I really thought that INOJ sang this. Man was I wrong.

Party Poopers Rejoice

Does your neighbor party naked and shit happens? Or does he make lewd comments at your dog? Or are you just a scrooge and you hate it when other people get laid? Great news! Now, with Rotten Neighbor Dot Com you can google map that mofo and make sure that everybody on the interweb knows that they suck. And I already checked and I am not on there, thank god. What could be worse than reading what a whole bunch of squares think of your nutso swinger parties? Oh and Paris Hilton is definitely on there as well, check the listing in the hollywood hills.

Yachts and Khaki, Pleated Shorts

One of my secret dreams in life is not to own a yacht but rather to know some rich dude who lets me cruise on his. I will be, like, the amusing younger friend who gets to hang out and be slightly underdressed. There may or may not be some hot, disgruntled trophy wife action. I can't say for sure right now. Anyway, my dreams of freeloading my way to yachtdom are coming true as we speak. You see, my cousin, Robby is getting married in Annapolis this coming weekend and the dress code, as it was explained to me, consists of "Sort of Like Tommy Bahamas, You Know." The thing is I don't know. Apparently, though, this means dressing like a freeloading yacht dude, which is A OK by me. I purchased the other day my first pair of deck shoes and man, do I feel like a condescending prick. Its great! Now I just need to get myself under the tutelage of a shmarmy millionaire. I will keep you informed of my performance, which is sure to be epic.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Project Pat-uh

And for all of you fools that think that I am going soft just because I am posting about supermarkets and minimal music...I bring you some good, ole-fashioned misogynistic rap. Take that!


No joke, the Japanese have the supermarket game on lock. This is one of the things that I am going to miss the most in Austin, Mitsuwa Marketplace. When Japanese people say that a market is super, they fucking mean it. You could literally live in Mitsuwa, they have Ramen, fruity stationary, Pocari sweat, weird porn and a store that sells heated toilet seats.

Clever Post Title

corcovado mist
Originally uploaded by napalm nabuco
My brain is a bit broiled from a long night at Alex's Bar in Long Beach and a long morning of buying deck shoes (more on that later), so I am not up to my usual tomfoolery. I also–oddly–am not in the mood for loud ass, explicit dance music. Hmm...Here is what I have been listening to.

Alva Noto & Ryuichi Sakamoto-Aurora

A deep tissue massage for your brain.
Alva Noto, as best as I can gather, is some German dude who is famous for his glitchy, math-inspired soundscapes. Apparently he straight up writes algorithms and shit. That sounds serious. Ryuichi Sakamoto is a classically trained pianist who does tons of minimal movie music and electronic ish. He is also responsible for the music in the Derrida movie, something that I have forgiven him for, and you should, too. If you have a chance, he also recorded two albums of Jobim songs with Morelenbaum 2, a band composed of Paula and Jacques Morelenbaum. Jacques does a lot of the string arrangement for Caetano Veloso, who is my idol.
This track, rather inexplicably, reminds me of looking out a window in Rio at a rainy day, watching the mist swirl around Pão de Açucar.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Our Government is Some Pimps

FOX news just won in court, claiming that it is their first amendment right to be chock-full of horse shit.

In other FOX-related news...Bill O'Reilly's game is worse than mine! Holy christ, this guy is a weenie. Check Lords of Apathy for the full report on the falafel (sic) wielding sex offender. Is this what sexual harassment is like? Damn, I always thought it was a subtly off-color joke, but apparently people still say the word "boobs" to their co-workers. At least say something like yams, Bill.

Late Night

Contrary to what you, my loving public, may think, life for Sexface is not all fried chicken and lavender bubblebath. Even I find myself sitting alone at the Metro station at 1:30 in the morning trying to guess–and then trying not to guess–whether the dude next to me has soiled himself or not. My guess is that he has. Here are some, "I am wearing these headphones on the bus so you don't talk to me," type jams. Late night status.

I Didn't Understand-Elliot Smith
This song is very short, something that I can't say for the majority of dudes songs. I know you are a dead genius, bro, but come on, I got other shit to do!

Our Lives Are Shaped By What We Love-Odyssey
Did you know this? I always assumed they were shaped by market forces.

Open Your Eyes-Bobby Caldwell

This song is the grand pappy of boner jamz, and Common sampled it. Tell that to the next white guy with dreads you meet, they will likely be impressed. If you don't like this song, then I suggest you take a moment to seriously reassess your priorities.

Thursday, August 2, 2007


Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Its All In Me

You thought I was joking about the heat on this blog? I don't mess around with the heat.

That song, "Im every woman" by Whitney Houston is one of my all time favorite songs. No joke. I remember when this song was rhulllll big and it got mad stuck in my head and all I ever wanted to do was sing it as loud as I could. This was definitely in the period of my life (puberty) where it was not awesome to go around singing Whitney Houston all the time. And that was probably the first time I wondered if I was gay. But not the last. Oh snap!! I keed, I keed. But seriously this Vandalism remix just brings back that whole strange attraction that Whitney had. Wherefore hath thou gone, Whitney?
Check Vandalism's Myspace, too, cause they have a baller-ass remix of Rihanna that I keep meaning to drop on one of my non-existent DJ mixes.

Whitney Huston-I'm Every Woman (VNDLSM RMX)

Remix linked from Palmsout

Tha 1st of tha month!?!

This is how stoked I am on this new blog.

The other day I was walking through my neighborhood Albertsons and I came upon (ew?) a copy of O magazine. First of all I am disappointed to inform you all that it is not, in fact, a magazine dedicated entirely to that one rip off of Othello with Mekhi Phifer in it. It is actually Oprahs magazine, about her own damn self. Every month there is a different picture of Oprah on the front of this she's playful Oprah, here she's matronly Oprah, here she's, god save us, sultry Oprah. I walked a little more and Ill be damned if I didn't see that Rachael Ray had her own version going, except all of Rachael Ray's picture are "I'm on crack making spinach dip" Rachael Ray. So I sez to myself, I sez, Why should they get all the fun. I want a publication devoted entirely to myself. Imagine: every month, a new picture of me on the newstands, just lampin. Drinking a smoothie, frolicking in some gauzy number on the beach. Looking at the camera after being surprised in my den, tastefully lit with a gang of books in the background. Playing Jai Alai with the Prince of Dubai in Maui. Fuck it. The people would go apeshit crazy. So that is why I decided to make my every once in a while Myspace blog (which is about me, but come on, there are entirely too many other people's faces on Myspace) into a full-on me blog. Its like O magazine but with more sex and drugs and obnoxious dance music. And probably more penis jokes.

Oh and definitely more Bone Thugs.

So, the dealy from now on is that I will post the hotness here, copying the same posts on the Myspace for a limited time only, son! Panties, of course, can still be sent to the Myspace. Check back every five minutes, because this shit is going to be hoppin!!!